Friday, March 07, 2003
Dudes, Pick Your Face has had a budget boost! Like, as the credits roll, the zit-pus does a little boogie! And the music is more Zen during Place the Face. Oh, and there’s a different game now as well. The best part of this new-and-improved show? Angus has a new sexy-ass haircut! Well, it’s heaps shorter which makes him look a bit older, but it suits him more than the greasy patchy-length Connor-from-Neighbours-esque hair he was sporting before. It gets Dawei’s Hirsute Stamp of Approval.
Unfortunately, he seems to have a silver ring on his finger. Hmm, is he married? The ring looks fairly sizeable though, and not very weddingish. I bet he’s just wearing it to through those wacky anti-fag people off the scent. Yes, that’s it (call me!).
Christ. I need to get laid. But stupid ColesDude wasn’t there this morning, even though he normally is! What an unreliable worker. Maybe he was in a rose petal strewn bed, eating croissants with icing sugar while his über-hot boyfriend pleasured him with strawberry kisses as they snarked on Neighbours and Meet My Folks.
Although, this whole frustrated-sex-life thing has allowed me to catch up on my daytime TV. Pick Your Face and Hi-5 is like, the best hour of TV these days. How pathetic.
Take yesterday, for instance. I was literally wetting myself at the Hi-5 team’s antics. Okay, not literally wetting myself, I don’t need Depends just yet. But it was HI-larious (geddit?). It was one of those crappy-assed Captain Puffypants skits (where gay Tim wears these huge-assed pirate pants that look like he has elephantitis-esque testicles). ANYWAY, “exotic-beauty” Kathleen was Captain Highnote, and whenever she finished a sentence, she would sing the last syllable at an ear-piercing level. I am well aware that this gag is aimed at five year olds. I just thought it was hilarious. Shove it.
Watching Hi-5 more regularly has made me realize that Kellie Hoggart is definitely the ‘tard Hi-5 member. Just look at her! She looks totally mentally incapacitated. I feel sorry for her, as I’m sure she would be the least popular. I mean, big flaming gaybo Tim (who looks decidedly more heterosexual in his cartoon incarnations) and balding Nathan are distinguished by their penises (and Tim, if those leather pants are anything to go by, you too can “call me!”). Kathleen is the token Asian, and is therefore unique. Charli and Kellie are the bland pretty blondes, but Charli manages to have a bit of spunk-appeal with her kooky-ass hair. Plus she looks really nice and friendly, while Kellie looks like a dried up cum-rag.
Poor bland Kellie. She is to Hi-5 what Liz McClarnon is to Atomic Kitten. The Katie Underwood to Bardot. The Selwyn to music in general.
I guess every group has to have a ‘tard. Otherwise it isn’t PC, yo.
You might think that me finding amusement in Hi-5 is disturbing, but just be thankful I’m not this bad yet. I mean, I can handle a webpage about a “star”. I can (just) handle fanfic about real people (there's another one there about pool ponies if you want it. I mean, what the fuck?!). But thisis majorly creepy. This chick is obviously a ‘tard. She wrote a story about Nathan… and took photos of her Nathan doll acting it out! And when you think that’s bad enough, she out-tards herself by including shots of “Nathan” hurling over a branch, and a shot of him masturbating in a warm bath, an explosion of bubbles hiding his shame. Cree-pee.