Thursday, April 01, 2004
Okay, TV producers. Seriously, what is up with all the fucking Australian reality TV shows? Why can't you just LEARN that the concept reeks like Ian's anus after stretching wide open for a thick slice of slick Aussie love-meat, allowing his faecal matter to gush out in the manner of industrial sewage pipes into a stagnant man-made lake. Of course, this is a metaphorical image (let's take his recent ass-whoopage at the trials of last weekend: CHOKE ON IT IAN! YOU CHOKED LIKE IT WAS A BIG WET COCK!) because Ian? Clearly hetero. But anyway, I digress.
Surely any sane network executive would have cut the cord on any Aussie reality TV program after the dismal effort of Australian Survivor, but NO. We still get absolute shite like My Restaurant Rules and The Hot House.
Someone explain that last one to me, as I was in Europe when it started. What the fuck is it? Why is it on every night? What is the actual point of the show and why are the rules so confusing? Why is the host chick so hideous (girls, really. Step away from the fringes)? Why are the token homos once again beyond hideous? Actually, all the characters are pretty vile (except for Calvin, who is rather tasty). The worst aspect of this cunting TV show is stupid Pete and Tina. Normally I wouldn't give two looks at this lowest form of human life (they are poor, tattooed, have gappy teeth and facial hair, and have three kids -- YUCK). But for some reason, they are immensely popular. And it pisses me off. Like, why are they heroes to the Australian public? What is this "Aussie battler" shit? Is it because they have no money, they are automatically "more Australian" than someone with money? Seems to me people with no class and no money come on these shows and are rewarded for their ignorance (Regina, you dumb cunt, I'm looking at you) and continue to do exceedingly well. Maybe I could understand it if these people were like, nice and humble and shit. But really, they aren't. Pete and Tina are absolutely repellent in personality, and Regina from Big Brother was a total beeyotch. I hope you got half the money when she dumped your ass, Adrian.
And come on! Has anyone actually met an "Aussie battler"? Or do you have to like, go out to the country to find the Shannon Knolls (who, by the way, is totally 'Strayan. You can tell by the black singlet and dusty jeans, duh!) and the Regina Birds? In that case, they can stick it up their arse. If you can't make a living in the fucking country, move to the city and work at fucking McDonalds. Don't bitch about it to me and expect me to like you. Puh. I spit on your dusty graves.
Also, seriously, what's going down with this Popstars Live shit? I know a few people have commented on it already, but grr. It is so shit. Why hasn't Molly succumbed to "pneumonia" yet? Christ. And what happened to that Bachelor Girl chick? Why did they replace her with that purple-haired lezzo? Stupid show. Anyway, watching it paid off at least once: some faux-English "producer" man told Arrnott (whose crowd support still baffles me) that he was still fat and needed to lose more weight. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Suck on that, you big faggoty fuck! Nice scarf, by the way. I suggest you go all Michael Hutchence with it. Nothing, and certainly not your ego despite what you thought, is going to be stroked while you are still hideously obese.
(Arrnott dude, try my nevah-fail Dawei diet: Marlboro Lights, vodka martinis, and a touch of bulimia. It works a treat! You'll be whoring your svelte Asian ass all over Sydney in no time. Ooh, I feel better. I'm glad I opened up my advice column. I like helping people!)