You know it's Winter when you wake up and your face and Egyptian cotton white sheets are caked from blood that has gushed from your nose and you weren't on a cocaine fuelled cum-binge the night before. Have fun washing those tomorrow, Ellie! Watch out for those other stains in the top quarter of the sheets. Whoops.

There was some good news this week, however. My dumb sister who outed me to my parents while drunk finally got her lazy-ass self a job. I can hear you all mumbling now: "but, Dawei, how is this going to help you in your financial problems? How will this help you earn your parents' trust and therefore credit cards?" Well, it wont, really. But it means I can finally get back into my routine of tanning 'n' NW on the chaise lounge. It's embarrassing how pasty I've become. I was, like, totally a coloured person a few weeks ago. I mean, I could do it now, but I'm a bit embarrassed, and the article which I've chosen to create my tanline is a bit embarrassing. Don't worry, it's not in G-string territory, but embarrassingly homo enough. The tanline is the product of those stupid boy-leg dicktogs (or underwear, if I'm feeling more pornstar-ish, and it means that I can go straight from my bed to outside without having to get changed). Hideous, I know, and I would never wear them in public, but the 'mos do go wild for it. Stupid faggots, so predictable.

And I have to start looking good too, as my latest crush wont be turned on by pastiness. I mean, not that he's perfect, of course. He has vampire fangs, and in my opinion looks a bit... big to be a model (not that he's fat. He just has motorbike body and is about seven feet tall). Meh. We seem to get along well. We got drunk and he "taught" me to play pool the other night. I put "taught" in " thingies because, dude, I'm no retard, I can play pool. I wasn't captain of my house in school for nothing, I'm down with that sports shit, man! I mean, I'm not awesome or anything, but one of my best friends has a wicked pooltable so we played that all through highschool. Anyway, I faux-blonded a bit, and bounced the ball off the table a few times, and he was all giggly and corrected me, which included bodily contact so I was okay with it.

Now I just need to get him to break up with his boyfriend so I can pork him.

|

posted by Dawei at 1:40 pm