I seriously think I've perforated my anus. Unfortunately I cannot report that I've been getting some serious badass booty; my body cramping and convulsing under the toned tanned torso of some homosexually charged überspunk, quivering in primal pleasure while the sweat dripping down my body and precum merge into a sinful cocktail of pulsating desire, which soak into the twisted sheets below.

No, my asshole is torn for much viler reasons. I have gas! Or had gas, really. One of the side-effects of this stupid drug I was testing was abdominal cramps and gas, and I have to admit I suffered the latter in spades. I'm not quite sure what "in spades" mean, but I was farting so hard I think my colon briefly popped out. It was rather inconvenient as well. Like, I was meant to be meeting Father for lunch, but I couldn't really walk. I was sort of half-waddling/half-limping down Charlotte Street with half my buttons undone on my jeans, and my hand keeping pressure on my abs, to make sure the gas didn't explode out Alien-style. I rang him up and was all "sorry, I think I'm about to have explosive diarrhoea, I have to go home". I mean, I could have gone to a public toilet, but gross. I don't even like urinating in public toilets, let alone squatting in one. Plus, there's something revolting about hearing people plop (and I had a really bad experience with the guy in the next cubicle to mine in Dubai), and I just knew that my bowel-y payload was going to be rather audible. So after making a quick stop to buy some more cologne (indescribable pain or not, I need to smell good) I rushed home, ripped my pants off, and farted solidly for four minutes. Like, it was rather spectacular in the end, and I must say I found the whole thing rather amusing and giggled at myself. But yeah. Crazy monkey gas: comedy gold. And that was the highlight of my week. Aren't you all glad I shared?

But now that I'm on holidays, I have awesome hair, and I'm totally earning my own money I'm feeling rather good! I don't know how I'm going to fill in the next month or so that I have off, but I'm starting a list of self-improvement to make my life that much better, and shall hopefully keep myself entertained this Winter. Shall I share a few?

1. Go on my first date evah! I'm really excited at this prospect, but also très nervous. Like, what do you talk about? How are you meant to act? Who pays? Dating etiquette?! Good lord. Picking up just sex is tiresome and boring now (especially with everyone flocking to me, eyeroll). So I'm going to define my "first date evah" as being: Dawei is not drunk at the start of the "first date evah", Dawei cannot meet his "first date evah" on the night of the "first date evah", and Dawei will not put out on the "first date evah". Phew!

2. Cut back on the Diet Coke, as deliciously satisfying as it is.

3. Get a job. And join a gym.

4. Get back into being a yoga badass, because I'm not fooling anyone with that gym thing.

5. Get over the whole social smoking thing, as only common people smoke. Although I want to try out those hilarious cigarette holder thingies. I reckon I'd look fully dapper as fuck holding onto one of those while swilling a martini.

6. Finally put up the stupid About Dawei page, which is annoying me as it's boring. Bah.

But whee! I like feeling organised. Maybe I could organise peoples' lives for them, and get, like, paid! That would be a pretty cruisy job... and if I met a tall, strapping, rich dark haired young man who doesn't mind waiting for the second date to get fucked (as no one is getting near my asshole at the moment) I can scratch two items off my list already!

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posted by Dawei at 3:26 pm