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Friday, February 18, 2005
I'm a bit worried for my health, as I haven't shat for like, three days. And that's with me drinking alcohol, a bigass Chinese meal, a bigass Thai meal, and Thai left-overs for breakfast this morning!!!! What's going on up there? I reckon by the time my stool finally emerges it'll have the consistency of thick, black molasses. YUCK. I really need to get it out of me soon too as I'm hoping for a good arse-licking tonight. And you know, that's not going to happen if my Chinese meal from THREE FUCKING NIGHTS AGO is tickling Cap Guy's nostrils from its position a few inches within me. Also, I need to shit here at home so if my molasses prediction comes to fruition, there is no possibility that the sticky consistency of the turd in question remains lingering on Cap Guy's pristine porcelain. I was flipping through Vogue Living yesterday, and they had an ad for this jet black toilet. That seems like a much more suitable option for situations like these. I don't know which genius came up with the idea of the white toilet. How impractical. Ahh, I remember the good ol' days a few months ago (back when I was still trying to impress him), on the rare occasion I shat at Cap Guy's place, I'd line the toilet water with toilet paper, to not only conceal any plopping noise, but to also prevent skid-marks if it was one of those shits. Ahh, good times.

Of course now I can't be arsed doing all that shit (so to speak, haw). Once someone has come in your mouth you sort of stop worrying about things getting too personal.

But yeah. Maybe I should give myself a home-job enema, fashioned from a garden hose and a plastic bag? Guys, I really need to get laid tonight. We haven't done it for like, a week. Not because we don't want to, but timing has been everything. Like, his friend has recently suffered a break-up (yawn) so we had to spend the entire weekend with him, and on the weekend nights we were too drunk (I never thought drunkenness would be an inhibitor for sex, hmm. Look Mum, I'm growing up!). Then he's at work all day during the week, and by the time he gets back he's either been too tired, or I've been too tired, or he was feeling blue, or it's been too hot. Stupid weather. I need to ejaculate! My testicles look like hard-boiled eggs! And being in a stupid relationship has made me feel guilty when I get my wank on. How annoying. Like, he shouldn't really care. It's not as if he'd find out anyway, and it's not really cheating... And anyway, he's the one with the videos of dodgy poofter porn stashed in his cupboard. I guess I'd rather save my big creamy load for him, so it can splash down on his face and body like creamy rain. You know what, it's hard work being thoughtful and generous. I guess having a relationship has changed me for the better.