Thursday, April 07, 2005
Quelle horreur! Two updates in the same week? Aren't I the consistent and professional writer!
But don't get too excited. I just thought I'd share this as I value my loyal readers, and I know y'all just can't get enough Dawei in you. My blog is like a hard penis that you all wish to receive into your yawning gashes and/or anuses (ani?). Uhm. Yes. Anyway. It's just that I nearly cicumcised myself with some cheap-ass scissors!
Like, seeing as I'm meant to be writing assignments and stuff, I have to prepare myself to get in the right frame of mind. The other day I cleaned my room; I always like to pretend I'm creating a study sanctuary even though I spend most of my time not working at my desk but rather watching TV, reading magazines, and making biscotti. Anyway, today I decided to clean myself up. Not for any particular reason I guess, as my personal hygiene is constantly exemplary, but any reason to put off reading transcripts, right? Plus you so totally need to feel refreshed and hot before you do any sort of academic work, right? So I shaved, brushed my teeth, deep-conditioned my hair, exfoliated, moisturised, filed and buffed my nails, and yet it still wasn't enough. So then I debated tidying up... down there. Which I don't really need to do anyway, thanks to Father's blond genes. You know, I really pity those with thick black coarse body hair. Blech!
ANYWAY, I thought I may as well give it a go... down there. Of course, I don't want to wax, as I'm too retarded to do it myself and also too embarrassed to go to a professional waxer. And shaving doesn't really work either, as I'm paranoid about ingrown hairs. And really, I think the wax/shaving thing is a bit too creepy. I mean, I don't want to be bald... down there. The whole pretending-to-be-eight thing isn't really my scene. So what was the logical choice? A pair of grotty, plastic orange scissors I found behind the mirror with the expired antibiotics and tampons!
So anyway I'm snipping away, totally getting into it. It's actually rather therapeutic in a way. A bit like gardening, only more erotic! But I guess I got a bit too enthusiastic, as I accidentally chopped into my shaft. Thankfully I think the scissors were the blunt-as-fuck kind they give to preschoolers with Klag glue, otherwise I would have had a julienned penis to deal with.
But to cut (haw) a long story short (haw haw), I wrapped my near-miss Bobbit in a Handee paper towel thing (they really are absorbent!), and then washed it in hot water when the bleeding had stopped. I was actually quite shocked to see that it was a tiny nick -- there was so much blood. I guess that's why my erections are so hard, nyuck nyuck. But yeah. To be on the safe side, I dabbed some Betadine on my penis, and stuck a couple of Band-Aids on it. So now my dick looks like it's jaundiced and wearing a plastic scarf.
So if anyone sees a penis at a urinal looking a bit worse for wear, say hi! Not that you will, as I refuse to use urinals on principle.