Monday, May 02, 2005
Thorpie: Thorpie's HelpLine, this is Thorpie how can I help you?
Dawei: Hey Thorpie, it's Dawei.
Thorpie: Hey Dawei, 'sup?
Dawei: Not much. I just saw the Logie's last night, and I wanted to congratulate you for finally coming out on national television! I mean everyone already knew that you...
Thorpie: Uhm, I didn't come out.
Thorpie: I didn't, you cunt! I didn't come out! Who said I was gay because I definitely did not say I was gay because I'm like, totally not.
Dawei: But wasn't your hair a round-about "fuck you" to the media, so instead of being scared of public vilification for your sexual persuasion you decided to come out pink trumpets blaring being all proud and shit about your fondness for hard cock?
Thorpie: Uh, no. Don't you listen? It was getting back at my mum for not letting me have ugly ugly hair as a child. See, that makes perfect sense.
Dawei: I... see. Your excuse is mother issues. How 1950s of you. And PS -- maybe you should consider firing your publicist.
Thorpie: Shut up. My publicist is awesome! Surely you've heard that I have a new l'eau de parfum coming out?
Dawei: Your new cologne is called Coming Out? But you just said you weren't gay? And stop speaking in French phrases, you poseur.
Thorpie: Dick. I meant I have a new fragrance arriving in stores soon.
Dawei: Oh yeah, I think I saw that somewhere. It looks a bit like a Ben Wa ball filled with urine right?
Thorpie: Yeah. I really should fire the people who design my Thorpie range. I mean, even I knew that my underwear line wouldn't sell.
Dawei: Because fags know what's hot in underwear, right?
Dawei: Aha! Snap!
Thorpie: Oh, shut it, bitch.
Dawei: My my, someone's a bit testy today. Did you have a bit too much to drink at the after party?
Thorpie: Ugh, don't remind me. I drank way too many Malibu Chills with Lee Furlong at the bar.
Dawei: Ugh, what are you doing with that skank? Worst beard EVER.
Thorpie: Try eating next to her! Everything smells like fish! It took me fifteen minutes to realise that my salmon cake was actually lemon soufflé.
Thorpie: Totally. Oh yeah, I was at the after party, and Stephanie Macintosh came up to me. She was soooo totally fucked up. She wanted to know if I had a Marlboro Light she could bum. Anyway, she leaned in and slurred that Lee looked like a hooker, and the way her purse didn't match her dress made her look tacky.
Dawei: Coming from Stephanie... ouch.
Thorpie: Tell me about it. Why couldn't the Neighbours cast dress more like the cast from Home and Away? Bec looked totally awesome!
Dawei: Yeah, but aren't you a bit biased? I mean, didn't you appear on Home and Away?
Thorpie: Oh yeah, but now I'm with Fox8, so from now on my television appearances will obviously be a bit more highbrow.
Dawei: *eyeroll* Although, I always thought Undercover Angels was very underrated and should have... wait a minute! You thought Bec Cartwright looked good?!?
Thorpie: Uhm... maybe. Why?
Dawei: Oh please. Bitch is plain. And no one is fooled with that nice-girl act. Everyone knows she's just getting hitched because of that big arse ring. And as for being "best dressed"... come on. She only won that because no one knew the names of the other nominees. A dress of multicoloured vaginas does not a beauty make.
Thorpie: She told me when we were getting our Fantasy Tans before the Logies that they were peacock feathers. And I don't care what you say! I think she's super nice! She said my new hair looked sexy!
Dawei: Yeah, but did you check her fiancé's hair?
Thorpie: Oh. Fuck. I didn't think of that.
Dawei: See you've got to trust me on these things. I'll fax you the name of my stylist. He'll fix you up, and then we can have cocktails.
Dawei: Okay Thorpie, it's been good catching up. Give me a buzz when you're all sorted.
Thorpie: See you, Dawei!
Dawei: Oh, and PS -- remind me to have a little talk with you regarding your suit and scarf. Bye!
Thorpie: Wait! What's wrong with...