Even though I am a cock-sucking, flag-waving (okay, not so much), dancing-to-Madonna (okay, really not so much), designer-wearing, finger-clicking, body-shaving faggot, I still find myself utterly perplexed by the existence of the Dieux du Stade calendar series. For those of you who aren't homosexual or desperate heterosexual girl who prowls through gay websites to find beefcake photos, Dieux du Stade is, like, some calendar released by the French rugby team each year. But it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It's like some repressed homosexual's bad wet dream. I mean, obviously they are doing it on purpose. But why? They certainly are very muscly and have bums that give you a toothache by just looking at them. I'm sure we are all very impressed. But what's with the whole homoeroticism thing? Are they actually gay? Is it like some Gay Olympic sports team kinda thing? Well, okay, it can't be that because they have good bodies and don't look like they have the bug floating around their veins, but you get me. Is the gay market suddenly so huge and desirable that they need the funds, sent their way by what would seem like an army of horridly unattractive gay bloggers and website owners? Do a few tacky black and white photos in clichéd "gay" photographic constructions satisfy some niche market? Are they really artistically bold, socially liberated, and business savvy? Or are they merely cheapening the homosexual thing, reducing us all to salivating perverts who have to wank over heterosexual men playing gay, replicating bad fetishes while teasing us with their (truly) unattainable bodies?

I mean, I don't know about you guys, but if I'm going to have an erotic calendar it bloody well is going to have at least a few photos of some tongues up butts or a cock ejaculating or something. I mean, really. Obviously only gays would buy this. It's too gay for women--fag hags aside, of course--and if you are gay enough to want to put this on your wall, why would you settle for vague faux-eroticism? Meh. And it's not as if the photos are particularly stunning. If you look at them in detail (if one isn't blinded by abdominals, that is), they are actually quite cringeworthy. Observe:



Photographer Guy: Oui! Zat iz good! Perfectly na-too-ral! Oo arrrrre zinging ze nassional ahn-tem. Na-ked. Wit your ami. 'Ugging!
Guy on Right: My butt looks like my ball.
Guy next to Guy on Right: I wish I had a ball. I feel awkward.
Guy on Left: Me too. Let's look over here and pretend to be interested in that empty stand. I will further make myself inconspicuous by hiding behind this guy's bad hair.
Photographer Guy: Oui oui! *click click* Gurglement!




















Photographer Guy: Oui! Like zat! Look... eurm eurm... reely bored, non? Completement dead in zee eyes. Your 'and? On ze leg like so, non?
Model: How utterly awkward. How can I look so stupid with my underwear ripped halfway down my thighs? I should look like I am about to engage in rough anal intercourse; however, I feel as if I must look as if my mother has just asked me to remove my undies so she can examine a boo-boo on my thigh.
Photographer Guy: Oui! Your hair de pubic iz zoot-ably patchy aussi! *click click*


















Photographer Guy: Ahhhh! Perfectement! You? You are my favour-eet! I lurve you so so much, I will peez on you!
Charming Guy in Jockstrap: Huh?
Photographer Guy: Non, do not tern... 'old eet... 'old.. eet.
*gushing warmth*
Charming Guy in Jockstrap: Oh my, God! I am being urinated on! In a dirty bathroom shower no less! How humiliating. But... I love it! Rowr, I've never felt like such a man!
Photographer Guy: Eurm eurm eurm! I noo zat wood do eet! Ze French... zay are all ze same. *click*



















Neanderthal Guy: I am unattractive and hairy and bored. I think I will wait for my teammates back in the hotel. Hmm, hang on. I think I might do a huge turd in this Port-a-Loo before I go.
*removes clothes except for left shin guard and weird cape*
*plop plop*
Photographer Guy: Perfectement! *click click* You are perfect miiiks of ze man and ze beast. Continue, eh?
Neanderthal Guy: Oh, my fucking God! You are disgusting!