Tinny music blaring from cheap, outdated mobile phone:
*I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh) But you keep fronting (Uh) Saying what you going do to me (Uh huh) But I ain't seen nothing (Uh) I'm telling you loosen up my buttons baby (Uh huh) But you keep fronti…*

Thorpie: Hello, this is * puff* Thorpie’s Help Line, this is * puff* Thorpie speaking.
Dawei: Uh, Thorpie, it’s Dawei.
Thorpie: Dawei! How are you?
Dawei: Dude, I’m good, but where are you? You sound like you are being humped to death by a foot-long, plastic cock.
Thorpie: Dawei! Stop it! I’m great! I’m just walking to my car.
Dawei: But I rang your Help Line? I thought you were meant to be at work?
Thorpie: Duh, haven’t you been reading the papers? They are all in a fuss because I, like, took some time off. But I forwarded my Help Line to my mobile. So I can, you know, help and stuff.
Dawei: Oh yeah, I did read that. You moved to LA to pursue an acting career, non?
Thorpie: NO! Who told you that? I was taking a holiday!
Dawei: Ah. Okay. So that Friends thing was just a one-off foray into the fine arts? *sotto voce* But a holiday would explain the weight gain…
Thorpie: I heard that!
Dawei: Sorry, but if your friends can’t tell you, who can? And you are like, so far away at the moment! I miss us hanging out. Hey, send me a photo of you right now!
Thorpie: Okay! *holds camera at navel and takes blurry photograph*
Dawei: My God. What are you WEARING?
Thorpie: Shut up! It’s like, kinda sunny and stuff so I thought I’d wear my summer outfit. But then the like, a/c (that’s American for air conditioner: I’m so totally American!) in my house was so cold I thought I’d throw on my jacket. But then I couldn’t find it, so I got my big, black-ass coat out. I look so hot in it. I totally stomp down the street and everyone is like “woah, big boy”.
Dawei: Big boy is right, but unfortunately I’m not talking about the crotch department. Exactly where is your bulge? Don’t you remember that time we totally got boozed on mojitos at your place, and I “accidentally” put my hand into your fly? I know you at least have a penis and some testicles. But those jeans show nothing! The only “big” part of those jeans is the waist: I guess, 36”?
Thorpie: Oh, shut up. I’m like, partying here every night. It’s so totally cool. Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams have been wicked. But girl has had some serious post-partum munchies so I may not be looking my finest at the moment. But I’ll totally bounce back!
Dawei: Yes, hopefully financially as well as physically. Where did you buy those jeans, Bocoo? And while I appreciate the t-shirt, the faux-Marimekko thing is so done. And Australia is about as unstylish as you can get.
Thorpie: Oh, cram it, Dawei. Haven’t you heard? Hobo-chic is so all the rage. And you should see my nails at the moment – they are so hot. I got them done by some old woman in Chinatown. Can you believe it cost only five bucks! LA is great!
Dawei: How utterly plebeian. But I hear you are coming back to Australia now? Couldn’t hack it?
Thorpie: Hmmph, as if. I’m just... I think I’m ready to start swimming again.
Dawei: You still swim?
Thorpie: Oh, shut up. My mother wanted me home, okay? And anyway, it is getting a bit lonely here in LA. I don’t really have many friends, you know… any real friends that I can trust to like me for being me? And not just because I’m Ian Thorpe? I need to get back to Australia where I am embraced as the Son of the Country.
Dawei: Uh, yeah. I think your relevance expired a good year ago, but that’s cool. I will be glad to have you around. We can go have a day at the salon together. I see you have another… interesting haircut, but you could do with a shave and a facial.
Thorpie: Okay! That sounds great! Call me in a few days. Maybe we can go for some more mojitos as well…?
Dawei: Of course. Okay, Thorpie, I’ll catch you soon.
Thorpie: See ya, Dawei!
Dawei: Oh, by the way, you missed a belt loop.
Thorpie: Oh, cra-----

*click*