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Thursday, January 04, 2007
Last night I heavily flirted with the idea of transforming myself into one of those skeevy, hipster, faux-Beatnik types by removing the majority of my holiday facial hair but leaving a vague impression of moustache and pointy beard. I mean, not like a goatee, which are hideous. But like, I wanted to leave but a hint of moustache and the tiniest trail of beard in a very triangular and geometric pattern. I hoped it would sort of look like I just hadn't shaved for a couple of days, and the rest of the beard was yet to grow in. Unfortunately it didn't really work. Although I didn't aim for a goatee, it still looked as if I was a wannabe bear, and I felt that if I kept the facial hair in its current state I would have to run down to the Den and buy some leather chaps, a riding crop, and one of those horrible white jockstraps Americans are always wearing in porn. You know the type: they look as if they are made of insect mesh, and need only a vague dick pressure on the fabric before they absorb the smell and colour of wee and sweat. Yuck.

So I shaved the rest off.

I like to call my complete disinterest in shaving my "holiday beard". In truth, I shave very little anyway, regardless if I am on holidays or not. Of course, I can hear my mother's voice floating about telling me that my whole life is a holiday, but whatever. Be quiet, Voice of Mother. I quite like a touch of stubble; the colour is nice (I pity those with black body hair!), and it grows so slowly I can easily get away with a decent week without even looking remotely skeevy. Unfortunately the skeeviness kicked in yesterday, and I got a real shock when someone pointed out that my facial hair had "a touch of ginger" in it. So last night I got the idea of somewhat trimming it back. I like to shave at night. Most people find this ridiculous, but it makes sense. Who wants to hold up a blade to their face first thing in the morning? Not me. And the rate-of-growth I'm mentioned, so it's not as if I will be all stubbly the next morning. And I think all those "your skin is tired/has poor blood circulation" theories which cheap, tacky men's magazines try to tell you are just bollocks. So I took my time last night, artfully carving what I expected to be a stunning adornment to my face, perfectly complementing my quite nice jaw line and evenly proportioned face. But no, it didn't work. I can't understand how people achieve that sort of dribble beard that connects each sideburn via the jaw line and chin. Are these people expertly skilled, or are they painted on as I thought for many years?

At any rate, I am back to clean-shavenness. Which is a shame, as I always think I look rather plain when I am barefaced. Maybe I should invest in some of those electric razor things? But then I'm a bit too embarrassed, as think that the person that I buy them from would assume I would be using them on my crotch. Which I guess the majority of people use them for. Not that I'm adverse to tidiness in that department. But I don't really want some yucky salesman from Harvey Norman thinking I have a big black bush.