Get the brown paper bags ready. Get out the self-cutting implements. Pop some downers out of their aluminium wrapping and stir up an ice-cold, sandpaper-dry martini to wash them down. Dawei has just applied for his first real (interstate!) job.

*puts head between knees and inhales deeply*

I'm so excited about this (possible) job! I'm just itching to get the call that they want to interview me! Of course, they won't, but the main thing is that I've tried, yes? And anyway, I am all about the self-empowerment at the moment. I know that I shit all over most people, so I have the right mind-set going in. I mean, I'm going to go all Dr Robin Smith and visualise my success. I'm sure the universe will reward me for it. Well, it had better reward me for being so patient for my thus far highly unproductive life. But perhaps this will finally be my time to grow up.

I mean, applying was quite hard. I didn't lie on my CV or anything! I'm a little worried about my references; not ever having a job looks so tacky on applications. Why must the rich be punished for having a blessed life? But I'm sure my personality just sparkled through in my cover letter, and I don't see why I should be overlooked because Tiffani McSupre has simultaneously held down jobs at Subway and the local accounting firm. (Fuck. I hope the Tiffani McSupres are not applying for my job).

Flash forward to me in three weeks, still hanging around here draining the house of Tanqueray and shaving off my eyebrows. But oh well. I'm pleased with myself.

*I'm gonna give myself permission to shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine*