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Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I think I seriously have bi-polar disease. Like, I have a strange dual self-concept that battles unseen in my brain with big rusty lances and those big-ass ball things on chains that are covered in spikes. Like, on the one hand, I have quite a decent attitude towards myself. I think that I'm relatively funky and cool, looks half-decent normally, is brainy and yet feisty, etc. But then the other side of my brain will kick in (and DON'T tell me that this is the "intelligent" side of my brain, please), and I'll be all self-doubting and worried about my future or lack thereof, worrying about money (how plebeian), or telling myself that my torso is too long for my legs or my freakishly thin feet.

However, this week, the high-self-opinion side of Dawei has won this epic battle. I'm, like, taking on a whole new attitude. I've finally realised that I'm actually quite bright, suitably attractive and interesting, and have lots of potential. My seemingly unemployable status isn't a result of me being inferior, but rather it's just me--in a roundabout way, of course--choosing to be unemployed. How could I actually think it was me not being suitable or not having the qualifications or everyone else being better than me? I mean, I haven't really tried to for anything in my life. And what was holding me back from being one of those take-charge, impossibly motivated and aspiring people was the spikey-ball-holding gladiator on the stupid side of my brain. I've never really tried to be the person I could be. Isn't that just so stupid and simple?!

So this week I've been so on my game. I'm not going to be inhibited by feelings of inadequacy, or being embarrassed about looking like I'm trying too hard. And now that I've noticed this damaging pattern of behaviour, I've identified things in my daily life that have been holding me back. Like even back in highschool, I never wanted to seem like I knew all the answers, because I thought that people would think I was a nerd or a teacher's pet. Which I sort of was. Sort of. I mean, I never studied, and the teacher's loved me, but that's just because I have intelligent genes and I liked to read, and in the case of one of my teachers, I'm sure the Dawei-love was because my ass was popping in my PE shorts (and I KNOW a lot of homos say this happened to them, but in my case I'm not saying that to fulfil some lame fantasy. People at school used to comment on it all the time! "Dawei, Mr [PE Teacher] has a hardon for you har har", etc.).

Anyway, the same thing has been happening this year. I've been taking French lessons, and I've always held myself back, as I don't want to seem like I know all the answers all the time. Because I usually do. But I want to let other people have a go, you know, and from my experience, people don't really like people who know everything. But anyway, so now I've totally let myself smoke these classes. I can already feel one girl starting to hate me, because I fancy she was one of those types who likes to think they are all king (queen?) shit at everything. Anyway, she tried to one up me, and got totally shut down, and you know what? It was the best fucking feeling! While I used to have flashes of superiority, now I just revel in it. Letting my awesomeness shine through, and having been validated by other people sucking has just made me feel all the more better. And what made it even sweeter was that after that class I saw that chick walking away, I saw that she had left the price sticker on the sole of her ugly slouchy boots. Bwah!

So yes. I think this is a new chapter in my life. I'm not going to be as apologetic or restrained. I mean, it's not as if my life could get any lower or worse. I may as well at least allow myself the opportunity to rip it out, right? Of course, what if I do fail and then the crash to Earth will be all the more worse? Hmm. No. Stay focused, Dawei. Stay. Focused.