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Friday, August 17, 2007
Sigh, I have to attend another wedding tomorrow. This will be my third wedding in a year. What are they putting in the water up here? I have decided that I am thoroughly unromantic, and despise weddings. All they are is stress. I have nothing to wear. I hate being in photos. I hate speeches. I especially hate jokey-jokey in-joke jolly-fun type humour that I never get, and always seems to litter speeches such as these. I hate forced laughter. I hate home-written vows (most people are not creative or successfully poetic or romantic). I hate the majority of music they play. I hate standing out in the hot sun--on a beach, no less--waiting for the inevitably late bride. I hate seating arrangements. I hate cheap sparkling wine. I hate cupcake wedding cakes.

UGH. Okay. So I sound a little bitchy. I don't actually hate weddings all that much. I just don't like all the forced good humour and pressure and the fact that you can't just leave or whatever. If I ever got married (legal issues aside), I would have the best wedding. None of these deceptively "casual" beach weddings with John Butler Trio/Pete Murray-esque bridal marches and wedding waltzes. Actually, that's probably the main problem I have with weddings. It seems to be an Australian quality that all modern brides pride themselves on having a down-to-earth, "casual" wedding... that aren't very down-to-earth or casual at all. Like, the traditions are all there, only vaguely disguised. Same bridal procession, same white dress, same awkward ring/vow exchange. And then the guests are obliged to never actually feel casual. I'm sorry, but there's nothing casual about wearing friggin suit-type wear on a stupidly sandy beach in the hot sun. Not wearing a tie does not make up for that.

I guess I'm just feeling more awkward than usual because I don't have anything to wear. I bought this shirt (which was quite expensive and cool, actually) but my sister has pronounced it as "weird". So I've lost all confidence. And I would really love to wear it with my skinny black jeans, but I don't believe the "smart casual" dress code really allows that. STUPID WEDDINGS. If I got married, the dress code would be "hot cocktail". I would serve mojitos and decent champagne, the speeches would be non-existent, there'd be no clumsy vows or faux-poetry that people don't really want to hear two poofs say anyway. Actually, I think I'd just exclude everyone from that part and just do it in a clinical law room or something. Then just meet everyone later for celebratory-type things. Although the only reason I'd ever really want to get married would be for a European visa or for money (I don't mean in a prostitute-y way, but in case they, like, died or whatever. I'm not putting in the hard yards of anal-sex and Sunday breakfasts for his money to go to a little snot-nosed niece called Taylor or Jacinta, dammit!), so I suppose there'd be no point going into all that romantic frippery.

Although I do like cake. And the presents would be nice. Weddings do have their good points. But why do they mostly have to be so... lame?