Fever sure has got me good
What you do when fever takes hold
I can't help but need this drug
Don't you feel the fever like I do
Feel the fever

There you go, all you wacky 'mos out there: a Kylie Minogue lyric extravaganza! Okay, so it's not quite an extravaganza, but I like saying it so y'all can cram it. However, Ms Minogue has summed up my current state quite well (of course, she's talking about bumping uglies, I'm talking about Burning Up (geddit?) and having my nose shit snot and mucous for the past four or five days. Fortunately my gonorrhea-esque sore throat has gone, and my snot nose has gotten down to just a dribble, so now I merely sniff every ten seconds like a cocaine addict.

I think I still have a fever though, reducing me to delusional behaviour. At least, I hope I do, because otherwise my socio-sexual ideas of what is acceptable and desirable in the Dawei Boudoir are crumbling. I'm finding... Wil Anderson... HOT!!!!

Sidenote: Even though I may for a period find Wil boneable, I am still frightened by his Angus-esque forehead wrinkles in that photo. Thank you.

It all happened as I was hacking bright yellow phlegm into a tissue on Friday night, while watching The Glass House. You could say it was Love At First Sight (heehee, I'm so lame, but I'm sick, so I can laugh at my own jokes, thankyouverymuch). But yeah, that's fairly inaccurate, as I have seen him before, but just not in the "I want to see you naked and then spill fluids on you" kinda way. For some reason his girly high-pitched voice and weird hair stuck on me. Listening to JJJ, I've always been a Wil-man (as opposed to my sister, who is staunchly Adam-centric and once posed with photographers as his "wife" once when they were both totally hammered!). I mean, Wil never shuts up, and is always whipping out the useless pop-culture crap. Maybe that's what I'm basing my ideal man-ness on: someone who can bitch about lame TV with, and who can make me laugh as I always have to be "the funny one" and it shits me! UGH!!! That sounds like I'm looking for a relationship! Gross. Weak, Dawei. W.E.A.K.

And what if I'm not ill, and men like Wil and Angus Smallwood really are the kind of people I'm attracted to? Are all men with a goofy-to-bitterly-cynical senses of humour totally 'tard-esque? Am I retarded, and thus would fit in with them on the Special Bus anyway?

Man, it'd be so much easier to be a woman, as you aren't expected to do anything in a relationship but to spread 'em. You bitches have it easy.

|

posted by Dawei at 4:12 pm

Dear Channel Ten,

Yeah yeah yeah, "skit" rhymes with "shit". We. Get. It. Very amusing.

Now kindly get over it.

Love,

The Australian Viewing Public.

xxx

|

posted by Dawei at 11:59 pm

I used to love the flirtatious playground that was Coles Supermarkets. And then I gave him my phone number, and my relationship with the store went to Hell. Argh, what was I thinking?! If he was being flirtatious, wouldn't he have rung by NOW? It's been a week and five hours already! He must have thought I was hideous. I knew I should have had a haircut earlier! Stupid massive blond curls.

So I figure I can't go back until he gets in touch with me (how hard is it to write an SMS?!), as otherwise it'll be awkward. A week ago I used my Intuitive ColesDude Schedule to work out when he'd be there so I could do my shopping, and now I'm using it to shop around him. Men ruin everything.

I used to quite enjoy my Coles shopping, the inevitable underwear-moistening while going through the checkout aside. I enjoyed looking into other people's baskets and trying to guess what their homelife was like... usually ending up with a value judgment on someone's wealth by the items they buy. Also, I used to see heaps of hot guys! The fruit and veg area seems to be a Mecca for cock (ahh, fruits. Incidentally, my friend who worked at a Coles said that Tuesday nights were an unofficial cruising night for gay men. You put bananas in your basket, and if you point them up, it is a signal to other homos that you want a penile-y rendezvous. Just a tip for youse out there).

Now I just want to make it a simple in-and-out event (ARGH!! I really need to get laid). I slide on some dark glasses and haul it past the creepy key-cutting man who always looks at me, throw everything in off the list and haul my ass out again. Today was even worse though, as I have this ridiculously painful cold. I think I have Asian Flu! Anyway, my snot has now turned a bright yellow, and I have to snort and sniff constantly to keep it contained. It was made even worse in Coles this arvo, as I had no tissues! But when that wasn't embarrassing enough, the air conditioning made my eyes water like a bitch, so my left eye was streaming with tears. So I was getting all these looks like "what's his problem, were they sold out of Cornflakes?"

And there was the biggest cunty bogan in front of me. She was wearing one of those hideous sickly lavender tops with that horrendous stitched-flower thing around her neck and TIGHTS. And she was FAT. Anyway, she ran off to take back one of her four margarines, and then when she came back, she made the check-out chick look in this plastic bag to make sure she wasn't stealing anything (who OFFERS to display their bag?). Anyway, guess what was in it! Like, twenty plastic bags filled with those cigarette filters. There are like, a hundred in each bag! Why does she need so many filters? Filthy bitch. She also bought two cans of Savings "Irish Stew". I don't even want to think what's in that.

I hate my life.

Why wont he call? Maybe he's dead. Hmm...

|

posted by Dawei at 4:16 pm

Dawei's Etiquette Guide for Clubbing Hijinks

1. A hot pink clothespeg is NOT an earring. Please do not think that it is.
   
   
2. If you are going to shave your forearm, please make sure the stubble is in control. Giving people stubble-rash as you brush your arm against them is an instant cock-wilt.
   
   
3. Makeup on men? No. Pancaked on foundation to cover acne is merely a stopgap measure, as it looks far worse when the light hits your skin to reveal that you have lumpy-ass cysts under a buttload of spackle. Just don't even bother, and you will look much better for it. Eye makeup for theatrical purposes is somewhat passable, as long as it possess an air of irony. Which it never does.
   
   
4. Are you hiking? Lose the backpack.
   
   
5. Mullets are not attractive. Period. Super-short hair with a three inch flowing mane at the base? Even worse. While it is true that mullets on men were seen on some catwalks, that was about two seasons ago already. And they were never attractive. People with so-called "techno-mullets" are obviously the worst kind of fashion-slave. Dawei directs them to Supré where they are sure to find some plebby reject outfits to match with their outdated, horrendous hair. Dawei is also positive that Supré will fit their budgets.
   
   
6. Do not flick your cigarette ash in someone's eye.
   
   
7. Or their drink.
   
   
8. PLEASE DEODERISE. If you are a person who excretes oily, stenchy sweat, Dawei suggests stashing some deodorant in a nearby cocksucking-alley so scent-y refreshment is easy to achieve.
   
   
9. If you are one of said people, shirtless dancing is inappropriate. Rubbing said shirtless body over an innocent fresh-smelling bystander is downright rude. Please go back to your group of six smelly, sweaty, old, shirtless dancers, and continue the exuberant dancing in the circle.

|

posted by Dawei at 12:32 pm

Dudes, Pick Your Face has had a budget boost! Like, as the credits roll, the zit-pus does a little boogie! And the music is more Zen during Place the Face. Oh, and there’s a different game now as well. The best part of this new-and-improved show? Angus has a new sexy-ass haircut! Well, it’s heaps shorter which makes him look a bit older, but it suits him more than the greasy patchy-length Connor-from-Neighbours-esque hair he was sporting before. It gets Dawei’s Hirsute Stamp of Approval.

Unfortunately, he seems to have a silver ring on his finger. Hmm, is he married? The ring looks fairly sizeable though, and not very weddingish. I bet he’s just wearing it to through those wacky anti-fag people off the scent. Yes, that’s it (call me!).

Christ. I need to get laid. But stupid ColesDude wasn’t there this morning, even though he normally is! What an unreliable worker. Maybe he was in a rose petal strewn bed, eating croissants with icing sugar while his über-hot boyfriend pleasured him with strawberry kisses as they snarked on Neighbours and Meet My Folks.

Cunt.

Although, this whole frustrated-sex-life thing has allowed me to catch up on my daytime TV. Pick Your Face and Hi-5 is like, the best hour of TV these days. How pathetic.

Take yesterday, for instance. I was literally wetting myself at the Hi-5 team’s antics. Okay, not literally wetting myself, I don’t need Depends just yet. But it was HI-larious (geddit?). It was one of those crappy-assed Captain Puffypants skits (where gay Tim wears these huge-assed pirate pants that look like he has elephantitis-esque testicles). ANYWAY, “exotic-beauty” Kathleen was Captain Highnote, and whenever she finished a sentence, she would sing the last syllable at an ear-piercing level. I am well aware that this gag is aimed at five year olds. I just thought it was hilarious. Shove it.

Watching Hi-5 more regularly has made me realize that Kellie Hoggart is definitely the ‘tard Hi-5 member. Just look at her! She looks totally mentally incapacitated. I feel sorry for her, as I’m sure she would be the least popular. I mean, big flaming gaybo Tim (who looks decidedly more heterosexual in his cartoon incarnations) and balding Nathan are distinguished by their penises (and Tim, if those leather pants are anything to go by, you too can “call me!”). Kathleen is the token Asian, and is therefore unique. Charli and Kellie are the bland pretty blondes, but Charli manages to have a bit of spunk-appeal with her kooky-ass hair. Plus she looks really nice and friendly, while Kellie looks like a dried up cum-rag.

Poor bland Kellie. She is to Hi-5 what Liz McClarnon is to Atomic Kitten. The Katie Underwood to Bardot. The Selwyn to music in general.

I guess every group has to have a ‘tard. Otherwise it isn’t PC, yo.

You might think that me finding amusement in Hi-5 is disturbing, but just be thankful I’m not this bad yet. I mean, I can handle a webpage about a “star”. I can (just) handle fanfic about real people (there's another one there about pool ponies if you want it. I mean, what the fuck?!). But thisis majorly creepy. This chick is obviously a ‘tard. She wrote a story about Nathan… and took photos of her Nathan doll acting it out! And when you think that’s bad enough, she out-tards herself by including shots of “Nathan” hurling over a branch, and a shot of him masturbating in a warm bath, an explosion of bubbles hiding his shame. Cree-pee.

|

posted by Dawei at 11:40 pm

Well, my mission to feel Coles Dude's cock failed miserably, but my blogging goals have been satisfied! Someone came here after searching for "Angus Smallwood"! Whee! Is that you, Angus? If so, drop me an email, and we'll "have a beer".

You too, Matthew Kopp.

And you as well, James Campbell.

|

posted by Dawei at 7:11 pm

Christ. My life sucks more arse than Ian Thorpe last Saturday night. Geddit? Because Saturday was Mardi Gras, and Thorpe is a big flaming gaybo? Shut it, it was hilarious in my head.

HE wasn't at the cunting supermarket this morning. Rats! I got up early, brushed my teeth a couple of times, made sure my hair was in it's curly finest (I've given up on it being straight. Stupid 'tard hair), scented up, strapped myself into my casual day-slut top, and rinsed out with some mouthwash for him. Well, normally the mouthwash would come after some cum-gargling, but it doesn't hurt to have minty fresh breath. How selfish of him to be a no show! I had to go through the aile of my third favourite checkout person. Although ahead of me were two Chinese nuns in these hilarious nun-suits, so it was alright.

I purposely left out some items I should go back for, so I'll probably do that this arvo. He used to work Wednesdays. Stupid ass changing his schedule on me! Maybe I can bribe someone into giving me a copy of the roster. If not, I'll go tomorrow.

Also on my agenda today: asking Cheekbones to have a beer with me tomorrow lunch time, so I can whine and maybe he'll come out with me on this weekend for more stalkage. He wont though, as he is an ass. And is never happy for me when I have an eligible. Fucking cunts. Fucking homos.

I reckon I'd be the best homophobe. Stupid high education and open mind.

|

posted by Dawei at 11:35 am