Ha.

Ha.

Ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

HA HA HA.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Oh, Ian! You just make it too easy.

"It was exciting," said Thorpe who attended the launch in Sydney, posing alongside models.

Yeah, I'm sure it was, Thorpie. Let's hope you designed those boxer-briefs (faggot) with a little, how should I phrase this... growing room.

I mean, that picture is gayer than the one of him rubbing his lips like it was Grant Hackett's gaping wet anus. Only the most flamboyant offal would wear white boxer-briefs. Add the tank-top, feminine pose, and a clear case of FagFace, and it looks like ol' Thorpie is the most stereotypical, pansy-arsed, "closeted" gay man in the universe. He's even got the typical homosexual narcissism happening. Who in their right mind would put themselves in their own advertising campaign? Especially when the photo makes you look like wet ass steaming on hot bitumen. Although through semiotic analysis, perhaps we can conclude that Ian's nose is a signifier for a large phallus, and we therefore associate large phalluses (phallusi?) with his hideous new underwear? My God, I'm intelligent. If only I applied this much dedication to my uni work. Stupid Thorpe, distracting me with blatant gayness.

Meanwhile, check Dawei out, commenting on the news! I'm finally an official blog!

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posted by Dawei at 11:16 pm

Wow, the 17th Annual ARIA Awards! Party!

Only not. Did anyone else sit through this dreck? This year's awards seemed particularly tedious and boring. And I sat through the entire. Cunting. THING! I like to think it's because I was doing some serious procrastination (got a motherfucking assignment due tomorrow which I have done pretty much nothing on, stupid uni), but I think I'm actually just a little bit... sad. And no, that wasn't an invitation for my comment-y things to be filled up with "We already knew that, Dawei! And you're gay too!"

Some thoughts though:

Rove McManus: Useless. His written material never works on his show, let alone in a big stand-up gig. Sometimes he can come up with a good quip (heh, "quip") on the spot, but other than that, he is pretty cringeworthy. Although I guess I should just be lucky fat cunt Eddie McGuire wasn't hosting, right?

Delta: Sorry dude, but your wig sucked. I was expecting like, a good wig! Not only was it styled in a dyke-mullet, but it looked fireproof. Wouldn't her record label get her one of those awesome wigs made out of a refugee's hair or something? No matter, I think she still looked pretty good. Although I did feel a bit guilty about checking out a cancer patient's ta-tas.

Peta Wilson: When you look and sound more manly than Courtney Act, you've got problems. And who the fuck are you again? Same goes for Daniel MacPherson. I hope he doesn't think he is still relevent to Australian popular culture. All I can remember from him, was he was the fat, ugly, Neighbours dude who popped Holly Valance's cherry, and had a massive appendicitis scar. Whatever. Fuck off.

Darren Hayes: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Way to butcher my favourite Delta song, you big flaming 'mo. Christ. I bet Delta wished it was six months in the future, so she could be dead and not have to listen to your whiny, nasal, pansying.

(I will admit though, that my ice-cold, bitter heart somewhat melted when they showed her sobbing after the song! Stupid Delta Goodrem being adorable. I'm choosing to believe that they were tears of pain.)

Keith Urban: Ugly. Faggot.

Emmanuel Carella: See above. Although I think he's strangely compelling, despite his blatant hideousness. Maybe he'd be a good ride. I'll have to look into that. I'll see if I can get him backstage at the X-tina concert!

Yawn. That's all I can remember, really. Christ. I remember I quite enjoyed last year's ceremony, as george were up for a fair few, and performed and were their usual awesome selves. This year the "international stahs" were particularly gruesome (Hillary Duff is NOT a huge mega-star. LeAnne Rimes (ugly)? The fuck?), and the live acts were shite. Amiel needs to be lashed for releasing that cunting Lovesong.

So, what were your favourite memories of this illustrious event?

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posted by Dawei at 9:37 am

Dear Robert "Millsy" Mills from Australian Idol,

You are so ugly and talentless, I bet your mother wishes she had scraped out her vadge with a pair of knitting needles after your conception. Please fuck off and die, and take your arrogant poseur-ing with you.

Kisses,

Dawei.

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posted by Dawei at 9:06 pm

My body clock is screwed. Now not only are my sleeping patterns erratic, but I'm getting really confused as to where I am in the week. What with going out boozing these past few nights, and yesterday's uni strike, I keep thinking that today is Sunday (not that it matters really. It's not like I do anything during the working week). But because my brain keeps thinking its the end of the weekend, I get all panicky because I have two cunting assignments due this week which I haven't started. I think I shall delegate them to my readers. You can either write about the media's portrayal of Mr Orlando Bloom, or like, an essay on the history of Vogue.

Speaking of gay, I was the biggest homo last night, and went to a proper fashion show! It was my first one (not counting those shitty highschool/amateur ones), so I was pretty excited. Unfortunately, the models were u-g-l-y. Well, one of the guy models was alright, but he took off his shirt, and he had a total Jack Scully body happening, which wasn't very appealing. Not that I can talk or anything, hmph. I had a good time though (I felt up some straight dude's cock and scrotum, so how bad could the night be?), being a faggoty-badass drinking Stella and Lychinis, and making snarky comments amusing the other homos. Like, one of the models had totally pointy norks, and I said "that chick's got conical tits!" I didn't mean to say it loudly, but everyone snickered and turned around to look at me. I hid my embarrassment by hardening my icy façade, cocking my eyebrow, and chugging back more of my cold beverage.

(I also burnt one of the fatter models, but she turned out to be 14, so I feel a bit bad about that so I shall just move on, I think.)

But yeah, I've decided that homos are pretty gross. I really don't know where all the good looking ones are. Not that it would matter, I guess, as I only attract the fugmo fags. Hmph. Seriously, maybe I'm hanging out at the wrong places. All my gay friends love to gloat to me about all the "really hot guys" who are hitting on them and wanting to fuck them and stuff. Where are all these hot poofters? And how come if you are always getting swamped, why are there none around you NOW? How come I haven't met any yet? Yawn. Am I meant to swoon or something?

I think it's all for the best, though. Lately I've gone through a big confidence boost, because I look around at all these fetid 'mos, and I realise that even though I'm not the best looking dude, I'm about five thousand times superior to them.

Check out Dawei, being all empowered and shit! Don't fret, I'm sure any day now I'll get dissed by someone and I'll be back to my usual bitter loser self.

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posted by Dawei at 1:32 pm

Last night I had a dream that Naomi Watts commented on my Nikki Webster post. So of course, checking the status of my blog was the number one priority of my day. Okay, that makes me seem like I have no life, which is pretty much true. But as if I'm getting up at 7 in the morning just to go to one subject (which, by the way, totally sucks arse. Do not study fashion)!

Needless to say, I was disappointed. Cunting Naomi Watts. It's not like she has anything better to do now that Heath has quit plugging her vadge.

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posted by Dawei at 1:35 pm

Ladies and gentlemen: Nikki Webster. Cum guzzling slut.

Do you reckon that her beef curtains have been busted apart yet? My vote is "yes". I mean, she's been giving her manager head since she was ten. You'd think that being his daughter would be enough, but it would seem that a little "extra incentive" was required to get those choice tunes pumped out (obviously at a proportionate rate to how skillfully she pumped cum from his quivering shaft).

I do feel sorry for her though. Well, a little bit. She is, after all, a redhead. Can you imagine having red pubes? Ick! I guess she waxes (like all good redheads should). I mean, having a bald cuntlet is obviously going to be the main draw card for the paedos. And really, who else is going to watch her fellate the microphone and cavort around in those sparkly silver vadge-pants?

In conclusion: she's a twat. I think I will add her to my list of whom Dawei Desires Debaucherous Dirt (currently the list only has two members: Search for a Supermodel's Matthew Kopp, and Popstars' James "Obviously Gay Dude" Campbell). Basically, if you fuck them (preferably in the arse for the reality TV rejects), or get them in a compromising position, let me know! I'll give you a shout-out. Let's unite in our shit-slinging!

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posted by Dawei at 1:25 pm

A mighty "cheers!" to the person who searched and found this site through Yahoo! using "she pulled down her pants and took a shit scat". I'm thankful not because I identify with such filth (this is a family site, people. Show some respect!), but rather I checked the other results, and came up with this gem: PoopReport! Fucking hilarious. The "stories about poop" are especially wicked.

Poo is funny, yo.

And yes, I'm five.

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posted by Dawei at 11:36 pm

Mum got her period yesterday. HELP! For those of you who don't know my mum (and I seriously hope that you don't), she should be barren as fuck right now. I mean, a few years ago we had to suffer through a period of ranting and bitching from her, whining "I'm menopausal! God it's hot in here. I'm FLUSHING! My GOD do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?! You kids are total cun... oh. A kitten! That's so... cute! [runs away sobbing]" Luckily for us she's a doctor, so she just pumped herself full of estrogen, or testosterone, or whatever the fuck you bitches need to stay sane once your beaver stops shooting out eggs.

But yesterday she came home from work tearing up, saying that she had "bleeding" for the first time in years. You'd think that she'd be well over getting her period at her age, and merely sigh, reach for the emergency tampons, and plug it up and move on, but apparently not. I had to be all comforting and stuff! Man, I'm so glad I'm a faggot so I wont have to put up with this shit on a monthly basis.

Her period couldn't have come at a worse time, as a good friend of mine has been staying at our place for the past couple of months, and he left on Tuesday for greener pastures. Anyway, since he left, Mum has misted up at the tiniest things, and has been all paranoid about why he left, and how sad she is that he wont be around for me anymore. I think she feels guilty, because she often compared the two of us as being faux-brothers, and she thinks that I would have been happier if she had shat out more than just one older sister for me. Her period reminded her that her cunt is soon to be bone dry, and she's missed the boat on providing siblings for Dawei. Or something.

In a way she's lucky, because I miss him too, but I don't have a fanny to blame these annoying feelings on. You women have the best excuse ever.

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posted by Dawei at 12:11 pm